Confessions: # 1 I Am Worn Out

I've wondered sometimes if I am the only one who loses faith. I'm not ashamed to admit that I struggle and sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to give up and walk away. Go my own way and get what's mine in the world. Even as I write, I want to do just that. I'm tired. Exhausted really. I remember when my faith was new and nice and shiny. Nowadays, I look at my faith and I see that it's wearing thin in the middle. It's becoming threadbare, and the edges are starting to fray. It's no longer in pristine shape after years of being trampled on and drug through the mudd. It is bloodied and bruised and limping and barely alive. I'm worn out and washed up. I remember when things like simple childlike faith, grace, and simply trusting that God was enough for me was easy, but now that all seems like a forlorn memory. It's been drilled into my head that one of the marks of a 'good' Christian is doing a quite time. But even something as easy as reading my Bible is a chore as of late. Do I love Jesus any less? No. But I'm tired of the ritual.

Earlier today, I posted this to Twitter: #Truth: Today, grace hurts.
I've felt that way all day. I screw up and I feel terrible about it. So, I pray and confess, and yet even though I know I'm forgiven and even though I know that God's grace covers me, it pains me to accept that which I don't deserve.

I'm trying to hold on. I really am. I blare Christian music in my iPod all day, trying to find encouragement, and I try my best to stay in constant prayer, but it seems like the more I pray and the louder I turn my music up to drown out my doubts that I'm worthy, the more bitter and cynical I become.

I don't want to turn out cynical. I don't want to turn out bitter. And I don't want to lose faith. But it's hard not too. Like I said already, I'm tired. And today, both grace and the cross are hard to bare. But, I'll keep limping my way on. I'm not giving up though. I am broken and bitter and apathetic, but I'm not giving up hope.

"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars.The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope." -Renee Yohe