Confessions: # 1 I Am Worn Out

I've wondered sometimes if I am the only one who loses faith. I'm not ashamed to admit that I struggle and sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to give up and walk away. Go my own way and get what's mine in the world. Even as I write, I want to do just that. I'm tired. Exhausted really. I remember when my faith was new and nice and shiny. Nowadays, I look at my faith and I see that it's wearing thin in the middle. It's becoming threadbare, and the edges are starting to fray. It's no longer in pristine shape after years of being trampled on and drug through the mudd. It is bloodied and bruised and limping and barely alive. I'm worn out and washed up. I remember when things like simple childlike faith, grace, and simply trusting that God was enough for me was easy, but now that all seems like a forlorn memory. It's been drilled into my head that one of the marks of a 'good' Christian is doing a quite time. But even something as easy as reading my Bible is a chore as of late. Do I love Jesus any less? No. But I'm tired of the ritual.

Earlier today, I posted this to Twitter: #Truth: Today, grace hurts.
I've felt that way all day. I screw up and I feel terrible about it. So, I pray and confess, and yet even though I know I'm forgiven and even though I know that God's grace covers me, it pains me to accept that which I don't deserve.

I'm trying to hold on. I really am. I blare Christian music in my iPod all day, trying to find encouragement, and I try my best to stay in constant prayer, but it seems like the more I pray and the louder I turn my music up to drown out my doubts that I'm worthy, the more bitter and cynical I become.

I don't want to turn out cynical. I don't want to turn out bitter. And I don't want to lose faith. But it's hard not too. Like I said already, I'm tired. And today, both grace and the cross are hard to bare. But, I'll keep limping my way on. I'm not giving up though. I am broken and bitter and apathetic, but I'm not giving up hope.

"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars.The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope." -Renee Yohe

Bear With You

Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms (http://www.twloha.com/) posted in one of his blog post recently these words. He said:

"Be loved. Be known. Love people and know people. Be so brave as to raise a hand for help when you need it. Make friends and make sure they know they matter. Be loyal to them and fight for them. Remind them what’s true and invite them to do the same when you forget. If you do some losing or you walk with someone else in their defeat, live with dignity and grace. It is a middle finger to the darkness"

I've been dealing lately with community. With my openness with others. With loving others and being loved by others. I was recently, thanks to my friend John Blackford, introduced to the musical stylings of Christian rappers Lecrae, Trip Lee, Sho Baraka and Tedashii. As I listened to Lecrae's album "Rehab" I kept hearing words like community, and I became convicted of my lack of living in community with fellow Christians. I've been under deep conviction lately of my reclusive, introverted nature. If I claim to love Jesus, I cannot seclude myself and hide behind the flimsy excuse that "I'm just not a people person". That being said, I've been listening to Trip Lee's album "Between Two Worlds" for the last two weeks. It's a raw and honest introspective album that has made me look hard at myself and how I live. Well, although I love every song on the album, all day today I've been playing his song "Bear with You (Featuring Tedashaii)" and I have to tell you...it has hit hard. I've had a frustrating time this semester, especially dealing with my family and even some of my friends. But as I have listened to that song today, I have been moved beyond mere conviction to a sort of Holy Discontent, and I am determined to look past myself and all of my excuses to try my best, with God's help, to bear with those in my community at Williams and back home. Paul writes to the Colossians in 3:12-17:

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

Like Jamie said in his blog and like Paul writes to the Colossians, we must bear with one another. To do so is a middle finger to the darkness. Trip says in "Bear with You"  "It gets hard tryna to bear with my kind, But I gotta keep the gospel in mind Since He rose with my life, it ain't mine I'ma bear with ya, I'ma bear with ya"

 I pray that I will be able to bear with you, and you with me through all of my imperfection and weakness.

"I'ma bear with ya!"